I’m not hiding, I’m polyamorous. I have just been asked how to find a balance, how to modify your apiary, but especially when. I think the adage adapts to all situations: you don’t make any important decision when you just fall in love. We have to leave time to see how this new relationship evolves and when it will fit into the harmony of the hive before turning everything upside down.
Among the buzzwords that circulate in the polyamorous context, there is the notion of NRE. From the English “New Relationship Energy “. Translated into French, it is the first time of a new encounter, when you are so far on your little cloud that it is necessary periodically that our other partner waved hands to get us out of our phone and our
exhilarating ping-pong of texting or sextos, when he does not have to remind us to reality by saying, “hell? Is there anybody?”
We can also translate this acronym into the fact that you are crazy stiff in love with someone new. This three-letter Anglo-Saxon sign just allows the other not to feel threatened by this runaway, by the fact that he is no longer the main recipient of all the attention…
In the polyamorous world, the concept of NRE is accompanied by a precept that has been law since Françoise Simpère formulated or popularized it (a drawing to win for whom will find the original reference): no decisions likely to irreversibly upset our lives and the structure of our existing relationships while we are in the moon period of honey. So, for example, we wait six months or even a year before moving into a triad, to resign to get closer, to initiate a divorce procedure;… Even two years.
Under its anti-romantic outdoors, backwards from all our fairy tale reflexes, this precaution is eminently wise. Just as it is better to avoid driving under the influence of alcohol, likewise it is risky to direct your life under the influence of love. This does not prevent a taste of the pleasures of one or the other, as long as we keep a vague consciousness that one is temporarily out of state to assess one’s own level of lucidity.
Because romantic love, made of quasi-psychotic exaltation, beate idealization and mirror games where I refer above all to the other what I think she wants to see in me, this love is poor adviser. Especially poor because at the same time, this particular energy in which he plunges me makes me believe that I have superpowers of superlucency and that this time I really met someone phenomenally more extraordinary than anything, and that the slightest doubt about it would be a crime of lese majesty.
Polylovers have the great merit of recognizing the phenomenon. As with many other pleasures of life, it is a matter of finding a modus vivendi that allows you to enjoy it while avoiding the most serious disagreements. And therefore: make a conscious effort to maintain existing relationships even though they seem dull and prosaic in comparison with the new trip; and above all: no big decisions as long as we are still all evoked.
How much to wait?
Six months, a year? It’s very arbitrary. Is there an objective criterion?
I propose one. He’s worth what it’s worth. This is when the message throughput or response time begins to balance between the new relationship and the previous ones, without such throughput or delay causing any insecurity at the other end. Free for everyone to transcribe my criterion into what best characterizes their own behaviors of love obsession.
All to say
All this to say that if we agree that it is a good idea to avoid leaving one’s existing relationships and above all to impose a moratorium on major decisions as long as the honeymoon lasts, then the precept should be widely popularized beyond the poly world, because if we don’t get married the day after the ball, or even after two years, it is still quite common for two recent ex-singles to move in together after a few months, when you are still shivering with infatuation.
Extending dating practices across the Atlantic have at least the merit, in my humble opinion, of delayed the ardors until decisions have a better chance of being healthy and thoughtful. In France, apart from geographical-university constraints, I do not think I felt a cultural brake with romantic (and financial-fallacious) pressure of rapid merger rapprochement.
But I can be wrong.